


It's Not Your Fault

by RegintoJackbard



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alpha/Omega, Angst, Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, M!preg, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-05
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-24 23:32:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6171133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RegintoJackbard/pseuds/RegintoJackbard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A prompt that an anon and I on Tumblr have been going back and forth with for a little bit that I finally got round to attempt to write! M!Preg warning if anyone's a little icked out by it. Also going to get really angsty as it goes on.</p>
<p>"What if alpha!Cullen gets omega!Dorian knocked up but doesn't find him sexy at all with his belly growing and adapting to the pregnancy, being so put off and Dorian so hurt that they start arguing and almost break up with each other even before Dorian is due."</p>
<p>My Tumblr is balbisaur, come say hi to my shy, awkward ass self!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

 

He felt fat. _Really_ fat. And very, very, VERY unattractive. Ever since his mate, Cullen, had gotten him pregnant, the more his stomach swelled with the new life growing inside him, the less attractive he felt. Dorian couldn't shake the feeling, especially since the last time he and Cullen had made love was over four months ago. Cullen didn't even look at him the same way like he used to; with lust and hunger, touches soft in some places, rough in others. But now... nothing. Nothing at all. Cullen had insisted that nothing was wrong, but the mage wasn't buying it. He wouldn't even look at his bump. He had never felt so vile. Nearly six months pregnant and four months without sex; heck, Dorian was about ready to burst from the lack of physical contact alone. So he went looking for his husband.

 

Dorian had found Cullen in his office, hunched over his desk, face scrunched up at one of the many reports that he has to go over. He cleared his throat and it startled his commander.

"Dorian, my heart," Cullen beamed softly. "Are you alright?"

Dorian cocked his head and sighed heavily. He needed to have this talk with Cullen, there was no point in continuing to avoid it. "Yes! No. Maybe?" He chuckled nervously. "I don't really know, amatus." Cullen quickly rose out of his seat, rushing over to Dorian, gently cupping his face with both hands. His body isn't close enough though. _Avoiding the bump, I see,_ Dorian thought to himself. _I need to say something._ "Dorian? Peacock? What's wrong?" Cullen's voice brought him back from his thoughts to see concerned, amber eyes staring back at him.

 

He nodded to himself. He needed to do this.

 

"Do you... still find me attractive, amatus? Since finding out about me being pregnant, I feel like... I don't know. Unattractive. Repulsive. Ugly. Not sexy at all..." Dorian couldn't even look at the commander's eyes anymore, his cheeks heating up with shame and embarrassment. Though mostly with shame. Cullen's eyes had widened somewhat, and dropped one of his hands from Dorian's face to the back of his neck, rubbing smooth circles at the base of his hairline.

"What? No! I mean, of course I still find you, uh, attractive?" Cullen nervously babbled.

"Are you asking me or telling me, Cullen?" Dorian quipped.

"Telling you?" The mage arched an eyebrow in exasperation. "I'm telling you. Dorian, peacock, of course I do, why--"

"We haven't had sex in four months, Cullen," Dorian interrupted. "You've barely touched me at all, and you won't even look at my stomach."

The commander was taken back a bit. It's true, that Dorian's current size because of the baby _did_ make him a little less sexually attracted to his mate, but he still adored him, loved him. "I, uh, I guess I can't really deny that, Dori... I... don't know, it makes me a little uncomfortable?  While we're... we're, um--"

"Making love?" Dorian finished. Cullen's cheeks were flushed with a brilliant shade of red. Despite all the things they've done together, Cullen still struggles to talk about sex with him, and he finds it somewhat endearing. But he also noticed how Cullen couldn't look him in the eye anymore, clearly embarrassed, ashamed, or maybe both. But it still hurt the mage deeply. Ashamed? Uncomfortable with him? With him being pregnant? Dorian winced. Cullen noticed and reached out for him, but he brushed the commander off.

 

"I find that rather difficult to believe, commander, that a single soul couldn't find me dashing." Dorian forced a smile, now trying to avoid the subject with his wit and sarcasm, putting up his walls that protected him, left him unexposed. "I mean, look at me, look at this profile; I picture it in marble!" He yelled over his shoulder playfully, waving his hand, making his way back to their shared quarters.

 

Dorian then crawled onto the bed, curled up into a ball, one hand over his face, the other stroked his bump while he cried alone in the dark.

 

* * *

 

He doesn't leave his office until quite late that night; Cullen just felt like he couldn't face Dorian after their conversation earlier. But he was right though; the more Dorian's belly began to swell, the less sexually attracted he felt towards him. The commander knew it was something that shouldn't even matter. He was still very much in love with the mage, but the prominent bump that Dorian had made his mind and body just not...react to him in that way.

 

Maker, he felt like an ass.

 

Cullen wanted to do nothing more than to return to their quarters, greet Dorian with a passionate, heated kiss and then just make love to him until the morning sun spilled through the curtains. He so badly wanted to. But Cullen kept thinking; what if it wasn't because of Dorian's body? Maybe he was too excited but incredibly stressed that he was becoming a parent? At not wanting to do anything that might make Dorian and the little one uncomfortable, or out of fear of hurting them? That's what he kept telling himself, that he wasn't, _shouldn't_ be ashamed or uncomfortable of Dorian's body, that they were bringing a new life into this world. That he simply shouldn't be feeling this way about his husband.

 

Not being able to concentrate on the reports in front of him anymore, Cullen decided to call it a night and shuffle back to his and Dorian's quarters. All he wanted to do was crawl into bed, gather his husband in his arms and bask in his warmth and his scent until he drifted off to sleep.

 

When he finally got to their quarters, he softly closed the door, tried to undress as quietly as one could from removing armour, and carefully slid into bed next to Dorian. The mage didn't stir when he moved in close; good. Cullen then snuggled in as close as he could, until he heard a noise. It sounded like... Dorian was sniffling in his sleep? He must have been crying. Probably over their conversation earlier, about Cullen not finding him attractive.

 

The commander knew he was going to have to face the truth and tell Dorian soon, he can't lie to him about this. He doesn't want to hurt him. Cullen tries to push his discomfort aside, buries his face into Dorian's hair, and very, very hesitantly moves his hand onto the mages bump, brushing against his hand lightly before covering it with his own, before eventually falling into a slow, uneasy slumber.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen and Dorian have a talk. It doesn't end well. A lot of the sads are in this chapter.
> 
> Tumblr is balbisaur. Come say hi!

**Chapter Two**

 

Dorian hardly got any sleep at all last night. He very faintly remembers Cullen crawling into bed next to him a little bit after he managed to drift off to sleep, and after felt the commander nervously put his hand over his bump he definitely couldn't get back to sleep. It made his stomach tighten.

 

He felt even more ashamed, more revolting.

 

The rational part of Dorian knew that how Cullen felt wasn't his fault, he should know; you can't help with what or whom you're attracted to, and at times what makes you uncomfortable. But the other part of him just couldn't help but be hurt, feel like he has been wronged that because of his current physical state, Cullen doesn't find him attractive.

 

The commander stirs next to him, feels him tighten his embrace, and ever so briefly, ever so quickly, run a hand over his stomach. A small sense of hope lights up within Dorian. _He's trying. He's trying,_ he thinks to himself. He's brought back out of his thoughts after hearing Cullen grumble a sleepy, half-hearted "G'mornin' my heart," accompanied by a loud snore, which had the mage chuckling. He then turned around to face Cullen and he just couldn't help but smile. He then planted a soft kiss on his forehead and lightly carded his fingers through golden, unruly curls.

"Good morning to you too, amatus," Dorian eventually replied. Cullen then opened his eyes and offered a small, shy smile.

"Hey, peacock."

"Hey."

"Did you sleep well? I hope I didn't wake you last night."

Dorian frowned a little bit. "I... didn't get a lot of sleep actually. By the time I woke up you were already out of it."

Cullen ran a hand softly up and down the mages back before giving him a quick kiss on the lips. "Poor baby." He felt Dorian tense a little bit. _He still must be upset over last night, because of me,_ the commander thought. He was already beginning to berate himself over it, then he felt Dorian poke him; he looked into storm grey eyes and realised he must have been wearing his worry on his face.

 

He took a deep breath.

 

"Peacock, I'm sorry," he began, hesitating a little when he felt the mage tense again in his arms. He resumed stroking his husbands back hoping to calm him down a little. "About last night. I-I mean, you were right to bring it up, about me, um...uh..."

"Don't," Dorian interrupted, his voice trembling, tears already threatening to spill. He wasn't sure if he wanted to hear what words would come out of Cullen's mouth. If he could even take it.

"Dorian, please, let me speak, then you can yell at me, kick me out of the bed or whatever, but Maker's breath just let me speak," Cullen shot back. He had to tell him those thoughts that ran through his mind last night in his office, get his say in and explain himself. "I know what I said hurt you, and it must have been very difficult to hear that your husband doesn't--" He sniffed, trying to hold back a sob. "That I don't find you sexually attractive because of uh, because of..."

"Me being pregnant?" The mage cut in angrily.

Cullen sniffled again, trying his hardest not to cry. He sighed heavily. "Yes."

Dorian scowled angrily at the commander. "Yes? Just yes, Cullen?"

"Dori, peacock, I--"

"No, Cullen, _you_ listen; the last four months have been hell for me, especially you not even touching me!" That was it; Dorian had snapped. He was done dancing around the subject and it needed to be tackled NOW. "Not just in an intimate way either, just in general! And the few times that you have, albeit briefly touched my stomach, you pull away as if I've burned you! Is the image, the mere thought of me carrying YOUR child so revolting that you won't even give me the simplest touch? You hardly even look at me! I feel like I'm diseased or something!"

 

Dorian hadn't realised how long he'd been shouting at Cullen; the man didn't even say anything. He just sat there and took it. He looked at the commander's face and saw that he was crying.

"Maker, is that what you think that I think of you?" The commander quietly whimpered. He looked so defeated.

"Unless you can prove it to me otherwise, yes!"

"Maker's breath Dorian, I don't think of you like that!" The commander yelled back. "I'm scared, Dorian! I'm scared of doing something that may be uncomfortable for you or the baby, that I'll hurt both of you! Yes, part of it is due to your size but I can't help that, and it makes me feel and sound like an ass I know, but--"

"Why?" Dorian stopped him. "Why didn't you tell me that before?"

"And risk upsetting you?" Cullen couldn't look at him anymore.

"As opposed to letting it build up and us arguing about it now?! I would have been hurt, but I would have understood and we could have worked through this sooner, and maybe I wouldn't have felt as fat and repulsive as I do now!" Dorian reached out to take Cullen's hand, but it was batted away. The mage flinched.

"Don't. Just...don't." The commander all but whimpered as he left the bed to put on his clothes and armour as quickly as he could. "I have reports to go over," he said as blandly as possible, sniffling all the while.

"Of course, don't let _us_ keep you from them," Dorian replied bitterly as Cullen stomped out of the room. Dorian held his tears back long enough, he decided.

 

He wished he hadn't said a word.

 

* * *

 

The commander and the altus would avoid each other during the day, and in the evenings they would shout and argue with each other before one, or both of them, were in tears, going to bed angry with each other.

 

This went on for nearly three weeks.

 

One morning, Cullen tried to hold Dorian, to try and just... not shout or argue with his husband, but he was still very upset, and rightly so. So he just placed a quick kiss to Dorian's cheek and went to set out about his duties, leaving Dorian to stew in his anger and self-loathing. Afterwards, Dorian tried his best to not stress out, more for the baby's sake than for his own, but it was getting harder to do so. He felt eyes on him whenever he went to his little nook in what Skyhold classed as a library, and it was getting difficult to concentrate on doing any kind of research. He decided to call it quits and skulked back up to his and Cullen's quarters.

 

When the commander eventually returned from a long day of reports and an even longer war council meeting with Josephine, Leliana and Maxwell, he took a deep breath and steeled himself to see Dorian; he was sick of hurting him, upsetting him, by him being, well, himself...

 

He wasn't prepared for what he saw next.

 

Dorian was curled up in bed, crying, hugging his belly, quietly whispering something to the baby between sobs and sniffles. he also hasn't noticed that Cullen is there. He couldn't hear what Dorian was saying to their child. He stood there, mouth agape, watching his mate fall apart before him. He couldn't take it anymore, seeing him like this. Cullen's heart breaks into a thousand tiny pieces. He very slowly approaches Dorian, carefully running a hand through his hair. Dorian flinches, but he doesn't dismiss the contact, doesn't move away. Cullen then lays next to him on the bed, gathering him up in his arms, burying his face in his black hair, crying unashamedly. Dorian is too tired to care that his weakness is showing, how he must look right now. He buries his face into the commanders neck, gripping onto him tightly.

 

He just wants the fighting between them to stop. Dorian feels Cullen stroke his hair, kissing his forehead while tightening his hold on him.

He almost misses Cullen speak.

"I love you so much, peacock."

Dorian shifts slightly so his face is now buried in Cullen's chest. "I love you too, amatus," he replied, voice slightly muffled.

"I'm sorry," Cullen sobbed. "I'm so sorry I've been such an ass. Please forgive me, I'm so sorry, Dori--"

Dorian captures his lips with his own, a soft press, the kiss tasting of salt where the tears had fallen.

"I know, amatus," Dorian sighed, as a huge sob wracked through his whole body. " I know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A massive thank you to the anon again who sent me the prompt! I shall keep thanking you until I finish this! Also thank you to anyone who read, commented and left Kudos on the first chapter! I was a little nervous writing this one, I can barely deal with confrontation in real life let alone writing it up! Hopefully I'm doing all of this some justice!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I suck at summaries. Dorian talks to Maxwell about Cullen.
> 
> Also, here's my inquisibum if anyone wants to take a peek at him: http://balbisaur.tumblr.com/post/142183880433/maxwell-trevelyan-appreciation-post-i-love-my
> 
> Sorry I took so long with this, been working, looking after my papa after chemo sessions and just came back from London. Thank you to everyone who have reading so far, and I hope I'm doing this justice and that this chapter is decent.
> 
> Tumblr is balbisaur. Come say hi!

**Chapter 3**

 

Things were a little rocky after that night. nearly the whole damn month had been, even. Cullen couldn't imagine how much stress that whole ordeal must have put on Dorian and the little one, but Maker be damned he isn't going to let that happen again. He doesn't pretend that Dorian's pregnancy doesn't make him uncomfortable, but he isn't about to let it stop him from looking after his husband and his child. He refuses to let it. He'll get over it. Somehow.

He's just not sure how yet.

He asks Dorian about it; if he has any ideas on how to get over this...awkwardness that is Cullen and actually touch his husband without recoiling. Dorian just tells him to touch him. It didn't even have to be his bump yet. A hand on the shoulder, running his hand down his back...even just holding his hand, it didn't have to be anything sexual or provocative. He just wanted contact from the commander. He wants Cullen to feel their little one move and kick. Cullen wants to feel their little one move and kick. Over the next week Cullen manages to touch Dorian, but no longer than for a few seconds at best, still feeling ashamed he can barely manage to hold the mage due to his aversion.

 It was still too much for Dorian though. It still hurt that his own husband had trouble giving him the simplest of touches, but he knew Cullen was trying and doing his best.

So Dorian went to find Maxwell. Just to talk. Keep his mind off of the situation for a little while. They both walked around Skyhold's garden before settling down for a game of chess that the mage wasn't all that really invested in. He can't really say he'd been paying attention to their conversation over the game either. In fact, he didn't even realise it until he felt Max ever so gently shake Dorian's arm, startling him slightly.

"Dorian? Hey, what's up?"

"Hm? What?" Dorian replied somewhat sheepishly, trying to avoid eye contact with the inquisitor.

Maxwell cocked his head to the side a little, unable to hide his concern for the mage. "You look a little out of it. Are you okay?"

Dorian shook his head and frowned. "I... In all honesty Maxwell, I'm not so sure," he sighs, fidgeting with one of the chess pieces, unsure if he really wants to tell the inquisitor about how his husband finds him sexually unattractive, how he's barely been touched at all and that they haven't had sex in six months now.

It also dawned on him he's fast approaching his due date. And the sudden worry about that thought must have been showing on the mages face, because Max was now sitting next to him, arm around his shoulder, while the other hand took hold of one of Dorian's.

"Hey, it's going to be okay. Maker knows it hasn't been easy for you, but you'll get through it." Max smiles at him; it's warm and gentle. It was the same kind of smile that Cullen gives him. "You've got Cullen, and--"

Dorian held up his other hand, interrupting the warrior. He sighed heavily before answering. "My dear Cullen is the very reason why I'm worried. Upset, even." The mage struggled to hold back tears, blinking furiously to keep them at bay. Vishante kaffas, he hated feeling this emotional.

Another soft shake brought him back to reality. "Dorian? What's going on between you and Cullen?" Maxwell asked nervously, voice trembling a little, worry plastered on his face. "You can tell me."

So Dorian did; he told the warrior about the lack of sex, the lack of touch, intimate and otherwise, about the month long argument about said lack of attraction and touch and how after the argument things had been a little shaky at best. The mage may or may not have sniffled a few times and maybe let out a sob or two during the rant.

And for a moment, Max didn't even know what to say. He just stared at Dorian, mouth agape, very much like a fish out of water. This time it was Dorian's turn to shake the warrior a little bit to bring him back round.

"I, uh.." Maxwell clears his throat, visibly nervous. "I didn't know so much was going on. I mean, it was obvious you two were fighting a bit recently, but..." He trailed off, unsure of what he could say to actually make Dorian feel better. He stared at the mage, who was beginning to look a little bit skittish at the prolonged silence. So, the inquisitor glanced at Dorian's bump and then back up to grey eyes, silently asking a question, and Dorian nods. Max puts a hand on the bump without hesitation, and it makes both men smile.

"Look," he began, "I know it's been rough for both of you. And yes, maybe Cullen should have mentioned something about this earlier during the pregnancy. But he cares for you a great deal, so much so that he seems to be willing to try and get over this thing he has."

Dorian looked down at the inquisitors hand, slowly, but gently, rubbing his belly. He opened his mouth to say something, before the other man cut in.

"And he's clearly aware that he's been an ass. A colossal one at that." Dorian couldn't help the laugh that bubbled up in his chest. The warrior loved it when the mage chuckled like that. "But he's willing to put the effort in to change that. You just need to give him a chance. And some time."

That's when Dorian winced. "I'm afraid there may not be much left time for that," he said ruefully, now slowly rubbing his bump as well. "I've a little over a month before the little one decides he wants out."

He watches Mawell's hand slowly halt its movements on his bump, and then looks at the warrior, who is now giving him a stern, yet playful look.

"Just have a little bit of faith, Dorian."

He just nods, partly because he doesn't really want to argue with the inquisitor, and partly because he's not entirely sure if putting faith in the situation is going to be enough to get Cullen and himself through this. They finish their game of chess and Maxwell escorts the mage to the commanders office, giving him a quick pat on the shoulder and a curt nod for reassurance before taking his leave.

Dorian stands outside the office for a few moments, staring at the door, trying to collect himself. At this point, he just wants the discomfort between the both of them to stop, rather than Cullen's aversion to his current physical state. He takes a deep breath before opening to door to enter the office.

He comes in to the sight of his commander sitting at his desk, going over an endless sea of paperwork, a prominent frown on his face. It seems like he hasn't even heard Dorian enter.

The mage smiled silently to himself, shaking his head before tutting loudly, which grabbed Cullen's attention. The frown that he was wearing had now been discarded and replaced with that warm, gentle smile that he loved so much. Dorian smiled back affectionately before walking over to stand behind Cullen, wrapping his arms around his shoulders before pressing a soft kiss to golden curls.

"Hello, peacock," Cullen said softly, leaning into Dorian's touch, nuzzling into his neck.

"Hello to you too, amatus," Dorian cooed happily, reciprocating Cullen's nuzzling with a little of his own. "Please tell me you've finished those reports." He gives the stack of papers a rather disapproving look, as if they'll just disappear or burst into flames if he stares at them long enough.

He hears the commander chuckle underneath him as one hand is placed over Dorian's while the other finds its way into jet black hair, gently trying to pull the mage in closer. "Almost. I've just got this one to go over quick." Cullen turns to place a kiss on Dorian's nose and begins to nuzzle him again. "How was your day, my heart?"

"I spent the afternoon with the inquisitor, we had a game of chess to round things off. He lost, by the way."

Another smile blossomed across those scarred lips, almost mischievous. "Was that with or without cheating?" That earned the commander a quick poke in the chest, Dorian feeling him wriggle in his arms and felt the hold in his hair and on his hand tighten briefly--

Wait. Cullen was holding him. Touching him. Is touching him. And for more than a few seconds too. It doesn't seem like he wants to pull away from him in horror either. The realisation of it made Dorian smile to himself and his husband must have noticed, as he was rewarded with another kiss on his nose.

"You okay, Dorian?" Cullen asked, smiling fondly at the mage.

Dorian returned that smile with one of his own, nodding, before going back to nuzzling into his commanders hair. "Hmm. More than okay, amatus."

He then began to hear Maxwell's words ring in his mind.

_Just have a little bit of faith, Dorian._

A little bit of faith might not be a bad thing to have after all, Dorian decides.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Thank you to the anon for sending me the prompt! Hopefully I won't take too long to write more chapters! It's been nearly 8 years since I've written any fanfiction, I'm more than a tad rusty, so any kind of feedback is welcome!


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